Saturday, September 8, 2012

Carlie's gift to us: Sunday

I want to tell you about a Sunday I had recently.

It was a few weeks ago, actually.

Chloe, my niece, stayed with me after Carlie's memorial. Wesley and I had received a mailer from Journey Church. It resembled a mailer normally sent out by our previous church, New Walk.

For those who are new to my blog, my life has been anything but normal for several years. After spending four months in Asia with Revolutionary Life International, my husband and I relocated to Florida for a season, and found a wonderful church family there. It was like nothing I'd ever experienced before. Unfortunately, we could never get our heads above water financially. After a year of being Floridians, we moved back to Tennessee, where I returned to the job I left prior to going to Asia. I found out I was pregnant a week after we moved to Tennessee.

After everything that happened with Carlie, I understand so much more why we were supposed to come back to Tennessee. I couldn't imagine going through all of this while being 10+ hours away from family, and I can't imagine being at any other hospital than Jackson-Madison County General Hospital. Like God has done so many times before, he directed our path long before we knew what we'd face.

However, I'll admit it: I missed New Walk as soon as we arrived to our new-old home, and I've been shamelessly comparing every church we've visited to the equation that is New Walk Church. Nothing came close. I was beginning to get discouraged. We found a fit at our previous church. We were involved in the Youth Ministry, had several close adult friends, and felt included in a tight-knit family of believers. As we rode to Journey Church, I said a silent, simple prayer to God: Lord, please let this be like New Walk. I know it won't be exactly like it, but please...just let it be a little like it.

We arrived, and the feel of it was inviting. Comforting. Like a soft blanket on a rainy day. I breathed deeply, exhaling, for the first time that week. There were two worship songs that I didn't recognize. However, once the third song began playing, I recognized it immediately.

We were camp leaders for one summer while at New Walk. During those few days, there were several worship songs that gained significance in my heart. It's hard for this not to happen, especially when you see teens worshiping to a song with reckless abandon; hands held high, faces to the ceiling, singing out to God. Even though they are universal worship songs, there are some I consider "New Walk songs."

He is jealous for me. Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree. Bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy...

 I immediately felt a welling of warm love flooding inside of me. God was letting me know He'd heard me. He was letting me know that I mattered. After a trial that felt like it consumed me, He was filling me up with a teaspoon of strength. Because, you see.. How He Loves is very much a New Walk song. More specifically, it is a De^oted Youth Camp song. I was taken back to that summer when the room was elbow to elbow with young men and women, worshiping with their whole hearts. I was home. The message followed, and the style of the pastor and his passion reminded me of our previous pastor.

...I realize just how beautiful you are and how great your affections are for me.

After this, we decided to go see The Odd Life of Timothy Green. Mind you, we didn't know much about it. The only thing we knew for sure is that the storyline told of a couple who struggled with infertility. One night they decide to dream up what they believe their child would be like, writing the characteristics on pieces of notebook paper. They put them in a box, and bury it in the garden. And out grows a child. Their son, Timothy, with all the attributes they dreamed up. I knew I'd identify with the storyline due to the subject of infertility alone. I was prepared to cry.

But the movie was so, so much more.

We've seen this movie twice and both times, our cheeks have been soaked with tears by the end of it. It's a movie of love and loss, reminding us that some children only come into our lives for a season. Carlie Wren was our free bird, and she flew away when her purpose was fulfilled. If the movie had come out a couple of months before all of this happened, the significance would be drastically different. I'd cry a little, say that it was a great movie, and move on. Instead, this movie has become yet another way we feel Carlie is speaking to us. Some words Timothy spoke to his parents... it was like hearing Carlie's voice instead.

["I didn't tell you because there's nothing you could've done."
  
"Don't ever give up."]

Also, Wesley and I both agreed that the girl in the film, Joni, reminded us of who we thought Carlie Wren might've been. She had similar features, and her style, entirely quirky and earthy, made us think of her. 


Lastly, the movie opens with an adoption worker asking the family what qualifies them for adoption; what makes them good parents? They answer "Timothy." Carlie Wren has done the same for us. Though we were never really able to parent her, she has made us better parents. Because of her short life on earth, we will never take moments for granted with our other children; the children I know in my heart we will have. We recognize, truly feel in our bones, that this life is a vapor. Here one day, gone the next. Not only do we recognize, but we have witnessed it. We have witnessed and understood, to our very cores, the fragility of life. When I hold my next child in my arms, breathing and squirming about, I will be full and lacking, all in the same moment. And I will know that their big sister, Carlie Wren, is saving us a place in heaven. A place where we can one day be together again.

 Oh, how He loves us so
Oh, how He loves us 

How He loves us so.

Sunday, August 19th, was a gift -- from My heavenly Father, and from my sweet baby girl. 

1 comment:

  1. Hey Ash, decided to come check this out today after my recent loss of one of my best and closest friends. I don't want to equate my feelings to yours; I just want you to know that soon I'll be posting a blog to encourage people to buy Dustan's book this month to help you guys. If it was in my power to do more I would. Something to remember, if it hasn't crossed your mind as you've been going through your recent tragedy, is that now you can effectively minister to anyone who has experienced or will experience something similar. This realization has truly helped me, because I truly believe that Todd would want me to be stronger because of this. Love ya girl.

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