Monday, July 30, 2012

"Find Your Happy Place."




I opened up one of my Dove chocolates today.

Daddy and I bought them because it used to be Mommy's favorite candy; until you came along.

-smile-

You never did like me to eat chocolate. Or drink orange juice. I miss the way you'd burn my stomach in protest.

I miss everything.

On the wrapper, it told me to "Find your happy place."

I thought about that for a second. Where is my happy place?
I can tell you where my happy place isn't.

My happy place isn't a place that sells caskets.
My happy place isn't picking out your grave stone and trying to smile about how nice it will look.
My happy place isn't in the middle of a crowd, seeing so many brown-eyed, dark-haired girls that remind me of what you might've looked like.
 My happy place isn't the aching waste of produced colostrum, taunting me...
and my happy place most certainly isn't nighttime, when I can't feel your kicks jarring my bladder.

I think of you most at night. Sleep isn't possible in quiet, dark moments, because then it reminds me that you aren't here. Our mommy-Carlie time was at night, when Daddy would play you songs on the Ipod and I'd rub my belly, hoping you could somehow feel the touch of my palm on your delicate frame.

I'm not sure I can find my happy place yet. I'm still restless in the in-between, before happiness is found. 

If my happy place were any place, and dreams weren't out of reach....

my happy place would be a lifetime with you.

Braiding your dark, curly hair. Listening to your musical laughter. Memorizing the dimples in your cheeks. Attacking you with kisses, until your tummy wiggled with beautiful giggles. Reading you stories for hours on end. Kissing each of your adorable, stubby toes. Telling you over and over again how much I LOVE you, until you roll your dark eyes and give me a gentle smirk.

One thing I have to remember is all of the mommy perfection I could give you is nothing compared to where you are now. You're in the place dreams are made of. The place that's a million trillion times better than Disney World. You are so blessed. And if I can stop my heart from aching for more than a moment, I know that. 

"When it's time to rest, Angels tuck us in.
I never get scared, Mommy.
There is no darkness here!
Jesus is the light of heaven."

- Mommy, Please Don't Cry..., Linda DeyMaz


Friday, July 27, 2012

Carlie Wren, born 7.22.12


My head is still reeling from everything.

 My heart is in agony over everything that's happened. In time, I will tell precious Carlie's story. Please see the link to the right of the blog if you would like to donate toward her Memorial Fund. I wasn't sure how to just do an "add your own" amount, but I think you can change the amount of your donation once you get to the PayPal website. Select "personal" as your donation so PayPal doesn't tax a big amount. Please don't feel obligated to give the specific amount in the drop down menu; anything will help. The proceeds will go toward our memorial for her as well as her grave stone. We are planning to have a memorial gathering for her, much like a birthday party. Since this is the only event we'll get to plan for our baby girl, we want it to be as special as possible.

Be at peace, baby girl. You are such a fighter, and momma is so proud of you.